THE DEAD PARROT

Normally, the thought of a dead parrot is a terrifying thought since my wife and I own three African Greys and a Sun Conure.

Ahh, but if you've ever been a fan of Monty Python and you have a bunch of really close friends with a collective fantastic sense of humor, this is what you get. This was presented to me at a gig I was playing at The Pub in Culpeper. Pat and Sandra Markham, Jim Miner, and Sue Suter are responsible for this classic.

 Dead Parrot™ Owner's Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a Norwegian Blue Dead Parrot™. To enhance your ownership experience, please take the time to read this manual thoroughly.

Para instructiones en espanol, referrer a pageo quatro.

Warnings

Do not over feed your Dead Parrot™.

Do not use your Dead Parrot™ while:

1. Bathing
2. Operating a hair dryer
3. Playing with live cats

Only trained and qualified pet store owners (as defined in IEC 60950 and AS/NZS3260) should install, replace, or service your Dead Parrot™.

To clean your Dead Parrot™, use a mild detergent in cold water on a gentle cycle. Dead Parrots™ are dishwasher safe. Hang out to dry.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Should I talk to my Dead Parrot™?

Yes, absolutely, but don't expect it to talk back.

2. What do I feed my Dead Parrot™?

We recommend Purina Dead Parrot Chow . A ten pound bag should last the lifetime of your pet. Many owners recommend Febreeze . This cuts down on the odor as your Dead Parrot™ decays. Spray Lacquer keeps your Dead Parrot's™ feathers healthy and shiny.

3. Will my Dead Parrot™ learn to talk?

No, this is one of the many benefits of owning a Dead Parrot™. However, you may purchase a Speech Synthesis Chip, part number 1-3032210, from our catalog. With this accessory, you may choose from the following options:

a. Squeal like a pig
b. Who's your daddy
c. Yes, Linda

4. What other accessories can I purchase for my Dead Parrot™?

a. Plucking Chip (part number 1-3032211b)
b. "Wet and Swipe" cage liner with simulated bird droppings (part number 1-3032212).

5. How often should I feed my Dead Parrot™?

No more than once a month, unless you start noticing unpleasant odors. Then you should supply a hearty helping of Febreeze.

6. Where can I keep my Dead Parrot™?

As opposed to a live parrot, a Dead Parrot™ prefers to be kept on the back deck during the winter. This cuts down on the odor from decay. During the summer, we recommend that you store your Dead Parrot™ in a refrigerated environment at 25? Fahrenheit.

7. How do I keep my Dead Parrot™ healthy?

You should exercise your Dead Parrot™ daily. Take it for brisk walks. Bring along a Frisbee. Make sure that you and your Dead Parrot™ stretch your muscles (and/or wings) thoroughly before vigorous exercise.

8. How do I handle my Dead Parrot™ molting?

Each Dead Parrot™ comes equipped with Norwegian Blue Super Glue (part number 76-CX-5679). This comes in handy should any part of your Dead Parrot™ come off.

9. How often should I change my Dead Parrot's™ battery?

Your Dead Parrot™ is self-sustaining and solar powered. You should not have to change its batteries unless you purchase the accessory kit.

10. What about "pluckers"?

Unlike live parrots, most Dead Parrots™ do not have this problem. See Figure 1 below.

 


Testimonials from Satisfied Owners
"I thought my Dead Parrot™ was dead until I visited my registered Dead Parrot™ dealer. Imagine my surprise to learn that it was only stunned…"
- John Cleese, Notlob, England

"Dead Parrots™ are a helluva lot easier on my carpet than any live fowl…"
- Long John Silver, Elba, France

Famous Guarantee
Your Dead Parrot is guaranteed not to rust, bust, crinkle, or spontaneously combust or you get some of your money back. Your Dead Parrot™ is guaranteed to be dead or we'll replace it for free! Certain conditions may apply in the states of Virginia, North Carolina, and Florida. Offer void where prohibited by law. Taxes and tags are extra. Do not operate a Dead Parrot™ while under the influence of controlled substances.